Sorry

i’m sorry for all the things i said when you were being a horrible person.

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And You Know Who You Are

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Great Quote From The Late Robin Williams

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Update On Butter The Cat


butter hasn’t been upstairs in about 2 years (me/vet thinks it hurt him too much to climb the stairs…probably arthritis). today, he wasn’t around when i got up and i searched the house for 30 minutes and couldn’t find him. i thought he might have died (he always comes when i call), but took a leap and checked my upstairs office (the only door that isn’t closed up there) and he’s hidden in the back lying on a bunch of bubble wrap. he won’t leave the spot. i wormed my way in there and picked him up to see if he was in pain, but he didn’t react. i carried him downstairs to the room with the food/water/catbox and he used the box and very, very slowly and immediately went back up the stairs to my office closet. i’m hoping he’s just feeling a little sick and not finding his spot to pass away in. the not knowing is some of the worst parts of this. he could thrive for years or this could be a sign of the end.

i called the vet and told her, but there’s nothing she can do but do a bunch of blood tests. can’t afford them or the treatment if something’s found. he’s not in pain though, he’s just as far away as possible by himself. the office is right beside my bedroom.

my heart physically hurts right now. he’s not “just a cat”…he turned 18 last month and has been my best friend, companion, muse, champion. and so much more. our connection has been unlike any other with a cat i’ve ever had. he’s intentionally tried to physically comfort me during bad times, via various ways. if i was crying, he’d keep putting his nose against my arm…but never, ever does that any other time. he never tries to sit in my lap, unless i’m upset. it’s difficult to explain the reality of our connection. he’s done it with others, too….when he senses any kind of stress (even with a complete stranger), he gets near them and stays a while.

waiting to see what’s going on is the hardest part.

[UPDATE] a few hours later, when i got up from my nap, he came downstairs and used the cat box and drank a ton of water. i’m going to take this as a good sign. he’s staying downstairs in his usual spot, so i may have been worried for nothing. have to admit, it was very unusual behavior and somewhat of how a cat begins to act when he knows he’s going to die.

[UPDATE] acting as normal as ever now. still getting old…skinny, and slow most of the time.

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Somebody That I Used To Know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Somebody (I used to know)
(Somebody) Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Somebody (I used to know)
(Somebody) Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody

Gotye
Songwriters: Luiz Bonfa / Walter Andre De Backer

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Kill An Elephant And Then Brag?

these asshole trophy hunters kill elephants and then brag about it via pics, social media, etc. what’s the brag? i mean…the thing is the size of wyoming and typically travels in groups. where’s the skill? what’s the purpose?

shoot a fly at 100 yards and then maybe i’ll be impressed by your brag.

i own guns for home protection and haven’t been invaded by an elephant. yet.


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Seeing These Ads As A Child…

i’ve been smoking since age 16, unfortunately.

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Happier Now

i never wanted to have to learn to live without you, but i did. next.

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To My Exes (None Of Whom Are In Texas)

“if you’re searching the lines for a point,
well…you’ve probably missed it.
there was never anything there
in the first place.”

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Dear Dallas…

dear dallas,

you did something courageous that i could never do…you said goodbye.

i tried numerous times, but i never wanted to hurt you like that. i’m happy now that you had the courage to call it off. it had been over for a while, so an ending was the best choice.

my anger when you left was, among other things, my fear of losing my best friend of 13 years. i was also angry that you barely helped with anything: with the chores, a job, nothing. you did “you know what” every day, remained that way all day/evening/night, and played video games almost 24/7. when you *finally* made an attempt at bringing in income, it was too late and you quit doing even that after a very short time and went back to playing video games, and continuing our arguments about your not doing chores. you’re not the only one to blame, but that was the case for our entire relationship. a little help could have made me see you in a different light…but you kept getting darker and i eventually didn’t even notice you any more.

so me, butter, and tommy, wish you well and hope you become a responsible adult one day.

smell ya later,

he looka like a man

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Recycling Being Thrown In The Landfills?

here i stayed on my recycling pedestal. about 70% recycle and 30% trash a week. they only pick up recycling every other week, btw.

anyway…i try to recycle everything i use. sorry i lost the link and am too lazy to google it, but several prominent news organizations did reports alleging that recycling companies recycle and then sell it. i think china was the #1 buyer of our recyclables. than the orange guy did something stupid and now china won’t buy our recycling….leaving it all to be thrown with the regular trash.

among other things, this breaks my heart. i’m sure the ocean will face another hefty fine for this.

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I’d Already Said Goodbye To Aunt Florene

florene richardson williams — 1928-2015

i visited aunt florene about a year or two before she passed away. we both knew i wouldn’t be coming back, so we said our goodbye’s then. she told me how much she loved me…and that she always had. i knew she loved me, but it was still nice to hear her say it one last time.

she protected me as much as she could and i’m forever thankful to her for that. i think she knew it was an impossible task, but she persevered nevertheless. she was my advocate when nobody else would take on my biological mother. only i knew how to handle my batshit, abusive, mother. aunt florene always tried to reason with her, but you can’t reason with crazy. i would usually disarm my mom with a smile…something only i was able to do…but only sometimes. aunt florene tried to apply logic to an illogical scenario, where i used humor and guile. my aunt never gave up, where eventually i did.

aunt florene was about the only member of my small family i truly loved and respected. she was somewhat well-read, easy for me to make laugh, strong, and determined. she was a country girl who never left the tiny town of eagle springs, nc, where she was born and raised. she had a strong, drawn-out, southern accent, that gave my name more syllables than necessary. most of the time when we arrived at her house on our usual sunday visit, she wasn’t in the house. i always knew where to find her, though. i’d run through the field of cows to the gigantic chicken houses, where she’d be feeding and checking on her chickens. there were a bazillion of them and i hated going inside when the chickens were adults. what assholes chickens can be. when they were chicks (baby chickens, but she called them “bitties”), it was easier to walk through them to get to aunt florene for a hug and kiss.

my aunt was even tempered. the only time she would scold me was when i’d sit in one of her dining room chairs and put my feet on the foot rails. drove her insane. you see…she and uncle marvin were simple folk. they farmed, raised chickens, and lived a meager, country lifestyle while raising two daughters. having survived the great depression, they wanted the few things they had to last an eternity. my scratching up the foot rails with my shoes was counter productive to that. even to this day, i think of her when i rest my feet on my own chair rails. it’s odd the things that become forever etched in our memories.

after her brother, in a drunken fit of rage, burned down the house my grandparents left to my mother and me, i stayed with aunt florene for a while. i slept on a pallet on the floor and woke up every morning to her cooking breakfast for me before school. this was something i hadn’t experienced before. my mother raised me, an only child, to be independent and not to count on others for anything life asked of me. waking up to scrambled eggs and sausage being cooked is an indescribable olfactory experience. i mean…i cooked it before myself on many occasions, but waking up to that smell was like…um…it was like…god, i wish i could think of a clever simile right now. i’ll just say she was like the mother i never really had. i know it’s trite, but it’s true.

i will forever love and miss you, aunt florene. thank you for everything. gonna’ rest my feet on the chair now (sorry), dream of scrambled eggs and sausage, and remember your loving smile.

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George H.W. Bush Murdered My Friends…

on world’s aids day, today, i say fuk bush.

“They say to only speak good of the dead. He’s dead? Good.”

walk a mile in my shoes for a second: do you know what it’s like to walk into your local bar and 43% aren’t there? and not because they were at a concert, but because they were all sick, dying, or dead? 43% of my close friends and acquaintances gone forever. most didn’t even get an obituary because the family was so embarrassed. this is not hyperbole, btw.

that pos was responsible for killing millions of lgbtq (and straight) people. about 43% killed, due to him and his minions (basically) saying that we “deserved it” and would not fund research or even publicly say the words hiv or aids. it was a “gay disease”. instead he’d turn over the “issue” to religious people and we’d have to hear 24/7 about god and god’s punishment..blah, blah, blah. that was his decree of cowardice.

so, yes…fuk bush. i don’t mourn his death, i celebrate it.

(feel free to leave a comment whether you agree/understand or not)

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Funeral Procession Respect

not sure if this is an everywhere thing or not, but in the south we pull over and stop for all funeral processions. is this done everywhere? could google it, but am too lazy so click the comment link and let me know 🙂

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To An Ex

playing with someone else’s heart just proves that there is nothing in yours.

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Just Discovered That My Dad Died Last Month – Walter A. McNulty III

was poking around google and found this:
https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/191072405/walter-a.-mcnulty

although he left us at 4 years old and i only saw him 3 or 4 times in my life. you’d think someone would’ve googled me and told me. a relative, the military…someone.

oh well…i guess now i know.

whatever your reasons for distancing yourself from me, i forgive you. rip, walter allen mcnulty iii (“Mac”). (july 12, 1942 – june 16, 2018)

[update: 8/11/2018] found my “aunt paddy” (his sister) and we’ve been communicating via email about dad’s death. she apologized for not contacting me…said she didn’t have any contact info for me. he didn’t want an obituary, so maybe this blog post is it. she was with him and cared for him until he went peacefully into the night. part of me is disappointed he didn’t contact me, but the other part is happy he had his sister there with him towards the end. just got his official death certificate in the mail, with that, i can get more info from the military…then i’ll update this post again.

[update: 8/29/2018] below is the permanent gravestone for my dad (credit goes to findagrave.com)

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May You Rest In Peace, John Arthur

RIP, John Arthur.

https://www.newstimes.com/news/us/article/Ohio-man-who-challenged-gay-marriage-ban-dies-4915948.php

johnarthur

CREDIT, Photo: Gary Landers, AP

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