All I Need Is To Watch A Kitten Eating Yogurt.

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Viagra + Alcohol = This Guy!

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Vampire Kitty!

“hush now. be still. soon you shall be one of us.”

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The Pure Joy Of This Amazing Breakfast Machine :)

maybe i’ll buy one of those trendy “tiny homes” and make more room in it by getting this 🙂

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Tactical Spork?

ran across this here. i guess if shit goes down with your camping buddies, you’re ready?

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Finally. Info On How/Where To Hide The Bodies…

thanks, lowes hardware, for providing me accurate stats on where to hide the bodies.

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How To Piss Off Your Delivery People

motion-detection sprinklers.

when they walk through the yard, instead of the driveway…

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Life Lesson #37

don’t wash an old rug in the washing machine. continue to vacuum it. the non-slip backing broke off into trillions of tiny pieces inside my washer that i can’t get out by hand. gonna’ have to use the vacuum hose extension to get it all out. dammit.

to my benefit…i did wash it on delicate, cold, no tumble dry.

at least now i get to examine the memory foam rug/mats for comfortable standing spots like in front of the kitchen sink beside the dishwasher 🙂

it’s also the spot the cats sit on at times, because the ac/heat vent is right there 🙂

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an actual product on amazon. click the pic. comment below…

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Want To Feel Old? (Watch This)

i grew up with this phone (and many like it).

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I Before E???

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I Asked My Dentist….

i asked my dentist which is better, an electric toothbrush or a manual one. she replied “what the hell are you doing in my house!”

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That One Time In 6th Grade…

i got some money for xmas. bought some “magic” stuff with it. disappearing ink and a hand buzzer (not magic, but funny as fuk to a 6th grader).

as soon as i got to school, i immediately walked up to the principal and squirted his white shirt with (what appeared to be) blue ink.

every child around froze and had a look of fear i’m not sure i’ve seen before. all the adults stopped everything they were doing and looked like “oh allen…you finally crossed the line.”

then i realized nobody knew what it was, so i screamed “no! don’t worry. it’s magic disappearing ink i got for xmas. just give it a few seconds and it turns to water with no stain whatsoever!”

that was an indescribable 20 seconds of my life. everyone around just staring at his shirt. then…it went away.

he ended up chuckling at me and told me to never do that to anyone ever again.

everyone hated the hand buzzer, btw. best. buy. ever.

(i have no clue how old i was here. that was my dog among 6 cats in our home. her name was “princess”. she had a german name when my mom got her, but changed it because “it sounds too angry”. i’m wearing an “air force” tshirt because i was a “military brat”)

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My Breastfeeding-In-Public Views…

i know i’m a guy but…

people who are offended when someone breastfeeds in public need to STFU. what they’re doing is natural and strengthens the bond between her and her cat.

(if i run for president, this post might come back to haunt me…)

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Sorry About All The Laryngitis Posts, But…

i find all the ways and needs of communicating interesting. especially being a somewhat social person. no matter the cause, i still have to communicate. i had to call my bank on something urgent that couldn’t wait on an email, for example.

words to live by: never whisper something to a bank teller. they get really concerned…

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He Was Almost The One…

i said hi to him in the grocery aisle. he said hi back. there was that brief stare of “ok, what’s next?”

i was in awe of his beauty.

then he asked me if i’d ever heard about having my own amway business.

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This Post Is Supposed To Dull The Next One…

i didn’t want the next post to be the first one people saw, so you’re seeing this right now instead.

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