How To Piss Off Your Delivery People

motion-detection sprinklers.

when they walk through the yard, instead of the driveway…

Share Button

Life Lesson #37

don’t wash an old rug in the washing machine. continue to vacuum it. the non-slip backing broke off into trillions of tiny pieces inside my washer that i can’t get out by hand. gonna’ have to use the vacuum hose extension to get it all out. dammit.

to my benefit…i did wash it on delicate, cold, no tumble dry.

at least now i get to examine the memory foam rug/mats for comfortable standing spots like in front of the kitchen sink beside the dishwasher 🙂

it’s also the spot the cats sit on at times, because the ac/heat vent is right there 🙂

Share Button

Finally!!!

an actual product on amazon. click the pic. comment below…

Share Button

Want To Feel Old? (Watch This)

i grew up with this phone (and many like it).

Share Button

I Before E???

Share Button

I Asked My Dentist….

i asked my dentist which is better, an electric toothbrush or a manual one. she replied “what the hell are you doing in my house!”

Share Button

That One Time In 6th Grade…

i got some money for xmas. bought some “magic” stuff with it. disappearing ink and a hand buzzer (not magic, but funny as fuk to a 6th grader).

as soon as i got to school, i immediately walked up to the principal and squirted his white shirt with (what appeared to be) blue ink.

every child around froze and had a look of fear i’m not sure i’ve seen before. all the adults stopped everything they were doing and looked like “oh allen…you finally crossed the line.”

then i realized nobody knew what it was, so i screamed “no! don’t worry. it’s magic disappearing ink i got for xmas. just give it a few seconds and it turns to water with no stain whatsoever!”

that was an indescribable 20 seconds of my life. everyone around just staring at his shirt. then…it went away.

he ended up chuckling at me and told me to never do that to anyone ever again.

everyone hated the hand buzzer, btw. best. buy. ever.

(i have no clue how old i was here. that was my dog among 6 cats in our home. her name was “princess”. she had a german name when my mom got her, but changed it because “it sounds too angry”. i’m wearing an “air force” tshirt because i was a “military brat”)

Share Button

My Breastfeeding-In-Public Views…

i know i’m a guy but…

people who are offended when someone breastfeeds in public need to STFU. what they’re doing is natural and strengthens the bond between her and her cat.

(if i run for president, this post might come back to haunt me…)

Share Button

Sorry About All The Laryngitis Posts, But…

i find all the ways and needs of communicating interesting. especially being a somewhat social person. no matter the cause, i still have to communicate. i had to call my bank on something urgent that couldn’t wait on an email, for example.

words to live by: never whisper something to a bank teller. they get really concerned…

Share Button

He Was Almost The One…

i said hi to him in the grocery aisle. he said hi back. there was that brief stare of “ok, what’s next?”

i was in awe of his beauty.

then he asked me if i’d ever heard about having my own amway business.

Share Button

This Post Is Supposed To Dull The Next One…

i didn’t want the next post to be the first one people saw, so you’re seeing this right now instead.

Share Button

Leave This Lying On The Counter For When Your Partner Gets Home :)

(it’s catnip 🙂

Share Button

Body Electric

men continue to have power and use it to tell women what they can do with their bodies.

that’s effed up.

i mean, women in power don’t make laws about my junk.

don’t tell me what i can/can’t do with my penis.

(looking at you lady at gas station who told me to go fuck myself.)

Share Button

You Know What They Say About Cliffhangers….

Share Button

Hostile Takeover

Share Button

Star Trek Humor

was bored and thought of star trek. this is what i came up with?

u.s.s. enterprise (upon 40th attack by the borg) – “prepare to engage the borg!”

borg: “ok, ok….this time we’re serious. resistance is futile. no, seriously…we got it figured out now…”

Share Button

Mailbox Fail

are those a bunch of holes in a “secure & weatherproof” mailbox? (click it to see on amazon 🙂

Share Button