I Asked My Dentist….

i asked my dentist which is better, an electric toothbrush or a manual one. she replied “what the hell are you doing in my house!”

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That One Time In 6th Grade…

i got some money for xmas. bought some “magic” stuff with it. disappearing ink and a hand buzzer (not magic, but funny as fuk to a 6th grader).

as soon as i got to school, i immediately walked up to the principal and squirted his white shirt with (what appeared to be) blue ink.

every child around froze and had a look of fear i’m not sure i’ve seen before. all the adults stopped everything they were doing and looked like “oh allen…you finally crossed the line.”

then i realized nobody knew what it was, so i screamed “no! don’t worry. it’s magic disappearing ink i got for xmas. just give it a few seconds and it turns to water with no stain whatsoever!”

that was an indescribable 20 seconds of my life. everyone around just staring at his shirt. then…it went away.

he ended up chuckling at me and told me to never do that to anyone ever again.

everyone hated the hand buzzer, btw. best. buy. ever.

(i have no clue how old i was here. that was my dog among 6 cats in our home. her name was “princess”. she had a german name when my mom got her, but changed it because “it sounds too angry”. i’m wearing an “air force” tshirt because i was a “military brat”)

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My Breastfeeding-In-Public Views…

i know i’m a guy but…

people who are offended when someone breastfeeds in public need to STFU. what they’re doing is natural and strengthens the bond between her and her cat.

(if i run for president, this post might come back to haunt me…)

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Sorry About All The Laryngitis Posts, But…

i find all the ways and needs of communicating interesting. especially being a somewhat social person. no matter the cause, i still have to communicate. i had to call my bank on something urgent that couldn’t wait on an email, for example.

words to live by: never whisper something to a bank teller. they get really concerned…

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He Was Almost The One…

i said hi to him in the grocery aisle. he said hi back. there was that brief stare of “ok, what’s next?”

i was in awe of his beauty.

then he asked me if i’d ever heard about having my own amway business.

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This Post Is Supposed To Dull The Next One…

i didn’t want the next post to be the first one people saw, so you’re seeing this right now instead.

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Leave This Lying On The Counter For When Your Partner Gets Home :)

(it’s catnip 🙂

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Body Electric

men continue to have power and use it to tell women what they can do with their bodies.

that’s effed up.

i mean, women in power don’t make laws about my junk.

don’t tell me what i can/can’t do with my penis.

(looking at you lady at gas station who told me to go fuck myself.)

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You Know What They Say About Cliffhangers….

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Hostile Takeover

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Star Trek Humor

was bored and thought of star trek. this is what i came up with?

u.s.s. enterprise (upon 40th attack by the borg) – “prepare to engage the borg!”

borg: “ok, ok….this time we’re serious. resistance is futile. no, seriously…we got it figured out now…”

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Mailbox Fail

are those a bunch of holes in a “secure & weatherproof” mailbox? (click it to see on amazon 🙂

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Porn Humor

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Time

since i quit smoking weed a coupla’ years ago, i don’t notice it being 4:20 as much as i used to.

i do, however, notice when it’s 3:14 since i do a lot of math.

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Conversation

therapist: allen, why do you think you use humor as a defense mechanism?

me: because punching people in the throat will probably land me in jail.

therapist:

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Kids These Days…

kids these days…just don’t know how we’d avoid calling someone with too many zero’s in their phone number or how common it was to change the tv channel with the pliers.

comment below if you remember….

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Hey Cat! You Awake?

my cats, thomas o’malley and butter. butter just wanted to go to sleep in the sun, but…

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The “Are You Human?” I Got Today…

entered a sweepstakes and it did a “type what’s in the box” thing to check if i was human or bot. best one ever 🙂

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Funny Observation

this pic cracks me up.

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These things aren’t even hard anymore…

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Funny Irony

funny and ironic sign mishap.

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If Robots Start Attacking…

just hold up one of those captcha things at it.

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Retro Funny

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Fat Cat Funny Story

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You Decide…

out of stock….or is it???

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