Bits N’ Pieces

"There is nothing I love more than air-conditioning.  Walking inside an air-conditioned room from a 95 degree afternoon is the greatest panacea I've ever found.  Sometimes though, I come in from the heat only to find an oscillating fan recirculating the blistering misery.  This is the difference between the love I feel from him and the love I feel from her.  His love is cathartic, yet she doesn't even have the decency to oscillate."  –Allen McNulty

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Started Smoking Again (goddammit)

So, I went off of Chantix too soon….or….I’m weak and was unsuccessful. Either way, my opinion is that Chantix is right for me, so I’ll definitely use it again when I’m ready to try to quit smoking again. I’m very frustrated with myself right now. I was doing so well. fml

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Chantix Worked Until I Stopped Taking It

I think I stopped taking Chantix too soon (I took it for 7 weeks), because I’m going to start smoking again. Next time I try it, I’ll either do the full 12 weeks or the 24-week run. I really did try this time. I hope I try again.

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Chantix (Odd After-Effects)

I don’t know how quitting Chantix affects others, but this is what I’ve experienced:

1. A few days after I weaned myself off of Chantix, I began craving cigarettes very strongly. After a couple of weeks some of the cravings are more intense (Chantix contains no nicotine, so I’d already gone through the heavy nicotine withdrawals). I don’t know what this means, but it’s what I’ve been experiencing. I’ve actually been close to smoking again, but that could just be my own failed attempt and not a Chantix withdrawal. I don’t know what’s going on yet.

2. My thoughts come in patches, instead of a normal flow. I have to stop and start my sentences when speaking, due to forgetting what I was saying. Not a normal “forgot where I was” kind of thing, but my mind goes blank in the middle of a sentence. The next word, the next sentence, the continued thought…simply stops. Randomly, suddenly, and frequently. All day and night. If the thought or story was simple and quick, I had no problem. Answering a question or replying to a comment on Facebook, for example, was easy. If someone called and asked a question that required a simple, short answer…then I had no problem. For me and my communicative personality, this has been a scary side-effect. Today, however, I noticed my synapses firing a bit better. I was able to express myself (almost) normally for much of the day. I’m praying that this is a sign that the proverbial fog is lifting.

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Smoking Update

Weaning myself off of Chantix. Stopped taking any as of yesterday. Paying close attention to my behavior. Explaining things in short sentences for some reason. Still smoke-free since 12/12/10.

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Trying to Quit Smoking With Chantix (Update 3)

Close to a month being smoke-free. I wish the random, sudden cravings would stop. I can go hours and hours now (finally!) without wanting a cigarette and then BLAMMO! … from out of nowhere a strong craving slaps me like a pimp.

I am $200.00 richer this month from not buying cigarettes. It’s all gone to lottery and scratch-offs, instead of something responsible 🙂

I want to stop taking the Chantix, but they recommend I continue for a while longer. I wish I knew if cravings would come back (or come back stronger) when I stop taking it. Just in case anyone’s reading this that wants to know, I’ll try my darndest to give updates.

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Trying to Quit Smoking With Chantix (Update 2)

Quit date was 12/12/2010. I’m now over two weeks smoke-free! (and I haven’t even cheated once. promise.)

The cravings are subsiding, but still get incredibly strong ones. A few times they felt overbearing, but since I had no cigarettes here at the house, I couldn’t cheat. Urge went away quickly enough, though, so I didn’t get in my car and drive to the store.

Also…it’s not the Chantix anymore (I’m thinking about stopping taking it) since it just controls the nicotine receptor for when I smoke. Since I’m not smoking or cheating, it makes no sense to continue taking it. I do love the vivid dreams and will miss them! I’ll check the literature first to see when/how/why to stop taking Chantix (taper off? continue until I’ve finished what I have? etc…)

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Trying to Quit Smoking With Chantix (Update 1)

I’ve never gone a day without smoking for over 28 years. Maybe one time when I was sick, but I don’t recall. I am now on Day 4 of not smoking. I haven’t even cheated with sneaking a drag when nobody was around. Completely smoke-free for 4 days. I want a cigarette as much as ever, though…and that makes me very nervous.

My weight remains the same, oddly. I was beginning to think my digital scale was broken, but then I lost a pound yesterday (which is strange, since I’ve cheated on my diet twice this week). I have an appt. with my doc soon, so I’ll see what their scales say then.

QUITE DATE: 12/12/2010

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Turning 44 On 4/4 On Easter. A Sign Of Something?

It will be Easter when I turn 44 on 4/4. I think I read in Revelations that that’s the sign of Jesus coming back to smite us all. Sorry.

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43

i turned 43 on april 4, 2009. had a groovy party at “the garage” in seattle where we played pool, drank a lot, laughed even more, and my friends got to decorate my birthday cakes in any way they wanted. as you can see from a couple of the cakes i’m posting here, my friends aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer.

birthday cake
birthday cake - the phrase was a private joke with my friend reis obrien and the penis was...well...a penis
i actually turned 43.  weren't they clever and imaginative?  the cake in the back was called "69 nipples" designed by stephanie looney.
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capitalizing

I think it's funny how upset people get when I don't capitalize. I mean, it really pisses them off. I find, however, it's usually people who spend most of their days trying to feel superior to others. Seriously. Go check. Ask someone with good self-esteem if it bothers them and then ask these grammar police. My findings are those with good grammar and good self-esteem simply don't give a fuck, whereas the pedantic ones become huffy and argumentative about the topic. go test it out and then watch my theory come to fruition.

and for what it's worth…i am somewhat of an expert in grammar.  i was the managing editor for a monthly publication for two years, was in ap english, etc.  so effing what if i choose to be e.e.cummingsish in my old age?  so…ha!

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because it’s all about me

i’ve had this site since around 2000, but have never done anything with it except to play around with testing flash, graphics, cgi, and php scripts, and about anything geek-related. what i discovered is that i just don’t have the time anymore. work is (and remains to be) my first priority.

a part of me thinks it’s narcissistic to do a personal blog. i mean, why would anyone care what i’m doing or thinking? then again…many of the people out there seem to care way too much about what celebrities are doing and, although i’m no celebrity, might want to paparazzi me too (yes, i used that as a verb). for those people, i give this gift of me…in blog form.

for those who need fodder: i turned 41 on 4/4/07. i’m a gay, white, male who lived most of his life in north carolina and then moved to seattle, where i’ve been living for over 10 years now. i’ve owned a porn company for about 11 years and i’m always on the lookout for non-porn ventures, but i just don’t see any real money in non-adult sites…so porn remains my priority 🙂

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